You Don’t Know Steve

Now this will surely make me famous.

Before I start, if you were expecting an introductory paragraph along the lines of

Look, I love Apple and all their products, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been using only Apple products since the Apple 2 came out. Exclusively. I shave with my MacBook Air and shower with my Mac Mini. Anyway, I’m the first one in line to buy whatever His Geniusness has created new. I schedule my life around Apple product releases. I just love Apple so much.

that ain’t happening.

Because I don’t love Apple. I don’t use Apple products.

In fact, let me tell you about my computer. Its motherboard is ASRock, the memory Mushkin, the graphics card is Gainward, the hard drives are Seagate, the power supply is Delux, the case is made by Foxconn (oh, the irony), the keyboard is an A4tech, my mouse is Microsoft and my display has Benq written on it.

And I love none of those companies.

Hard to believe, but I don’t. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever loved a company or its products.

I’m old fashioned that way. I only have love for my family and friends. That’s all. Nothing left to spare for a multi-billion-dollar profit-driven corporation. Sorry.

Ok, back to the point now, I promise.

I really don’t want to recap this iPhone 4 reception debacle, so I won’t. If you’re reading this, you probably know all there is to already. But it is time for some closure on this issue, is it not?

So here you go. You’re welcome.

“Would you rather we were a Korean company?”

Steve Jobs was angry and annoyed. He was on vacation. Relaxing on the beach.

Then some idiotic press got hold of a non-issue that bloggers (creatures with very low value to society, akin to registered sex offenders) had been trumpeting ever since the grandiose release of the iPhone 4, which changed everything. Again.

It was indeed so perfect, that its predecessor, which was also very perfect when it came out, was now less perfect compared to the new baby. And don’t you dare utter a word. Perfection does work like that. You don’t understand it like Steve does.

In fact, you don’t understand anything like Steve does. You’re just… lower in the food chain, let’s face it. Much lower.
People don’t want to become you. People don’t universally praise you. People aren’t hypnotized when you speak. You’re just an average person. You’re not Steve.

So. Bloggers are just something that resembles a bad taste in the mouth. And that’s fine, Steve has learnt to completely ignore them, even when they sing him praises all day long.
But Consumer Reports… that’s some thing even Joe the Plumber has heard of.

Ouch.
So Steve had to cut his vacation short. You may think this isn’t such an issue, but then you don’t know Steve. No one and nothing cuts Steve’s vacation short without consequences.

See, the thing you don’t understand (and probably never will) is that the iPhone 4 has reached such a level of design and engineering perfection, that by comparison, your body is disgusting. Yes, your body. Yuck.

Unlike God, Steve has achieved perfection. You just can’t see it that way, but the truth is you simply have too many fingers. I mean, what the hell are you going to do with five (on average) fingers for each hand? I’ll tell you one thing you are doing. You’re messing with the iPhone’s delicate internals.

Now Steve knows that your imperfection is the sole cause of the entire “reception scandal”. What he also knows is that he can’t just tell you that. That would mean lowering himself to a level that is far below his reach.

Steve also knows how to sell you 10-cents worth of plastic for $29. And he was facing a very tough decision. It was either giving that up, or making an in-superhuman effort to reach down to your level of understanding and explain perfection to you.

The decision was easy. He didn’t like it (he’s been having nightmares ever since he first thought about this), it makes him sick a bit, but it had to be done.

Why? Well, certainly not because of you, blogger, or you, Joe the Plumber.

Like any other CEO of a publicly listed company of our time, Steve doesn’t answer to you, me, Jason Chen, or even Consumer Reports. He answers to Apple’s stock holders. These people are a necessary evil in today’s world. Steve doesn’t much like them, because outside of financial investments they really don’t know anything about anything (and they have this bad habit of panicking very easily), but he understands their value. Or rather, the value they bring to Steve’s image.

These people can become ungrateful bastards pretty quick. As soon as some non-issue is thought to have reached the Oprah-watching (or was it Letterman? I get confused) mainstream American public, they demand answers, in return for continued investments.

Answers that they would have asked for in very impatient voices on July 20th, on the occasion of Apple’s quarterly earnings conference call.

Coincidence has it that just four days before that, Steve has delivered.

What he delivered will be, as usual, turned into gold by the Gruber-led alchemist crowd by the time any investor wants to ask anything. And sure enough, Steve doesn’t and won’t care about bloggers (even that word itself is something he finds disgusting), but the investors will.

Because now the “media” (read:actually don’t read anything – just find a picture of Rupert Murdoch somewhere and stare at it for five minutes – you’ll know what I mean) is involved. And even if they weren’t, they would’ve gotten involved if the Twitterverse was buzzing with the miraculous solutions that Steve found for the non-issue. Because if there’s one thing that the “media” still does right, it’s auto-following people on Twitter.

So Steve took the stage and desperately tried to keep himself from shouting. Ask Paul Ekman.
He announced that he will be giving away profit…umm, sorry, bumpers. And so, he has even found the perfect fix for your anatomical weirdness.

You’re welcome.

A key factor to remember here is that, had he not been the patriot that he is, Steve wouldn’t have come back to lead Apple.
He’s doing this for the country, sir.

So stop asking idiotic questions about stupid non-issues, and keep your mouths open.

In timeless gratitude.

As for the offensive words about the Korean people, not to worry. They are civil. And will continue to make most of the electronics you use on a day to day basis. Including key components of the iPhone 4. Such as the magical display.

But Steve knows not what irony is. Or ridicule, for that matter.
He might meet the latter, though, if he continues on this interesting path, hand-held by hundreds among hundreds of people who should simply know better. Or have a life.

And so, he disseminated a message of equality today.
Between Apple and other phone manufacturers.

Blackberry 9700 and Motorola Droid Eris users, rejoice. Your devices have now officially reached the level of perfection that was previously exclusive to the newest iPhone. Quick tip: the more you hold your devices “wrong” (in a manner that causes drops in signal strength), the more perfect they will become.

Steve sincerely hopes that this won’t ever happen again. And by “this”, he means cutting his vacations short. Or having to answer questions that don’t start with “Wow, this is magical”. Or generally having to answer. About anything. To anyone.

After all, he’s only human (hint: he’s not, but a bit of fake modesty never hurt anyone). Like Apple. They make mistakes. Like everyone else.

But their mistakes, you have to understand, are perfect. You can not make an imperfect mistake about a perfect product.

And in this case, it’s a perfect mistake because it’s not their mistake. It’s yours, for not knowing how to properly use their products. You should feel ashamed of yourself. Really. Go on, lock yourself in the closet and cry for a week. Seriously. Do it. Now.

And after that, your duty to Apple, to Steve, and to the United States of America, is to write a blog post detailing how sorry you are. And it has to be honest, otherwise They will know. Oh, and if you need any help in doing what’s right (chopping off a few of your fingers), I hear there are many professionals available for that.

I hope that we can now lay this non-issue to rest. In the time it took you to read this, 4 new fart apps have been made available. Time to download and catch up with the things that really matter in life.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t know what the meaning of the word “satire” is, you may resume caressing your precious life companion. And in case you didn’t even get that, I meant your iPhone. Dismissed.

Author: Vlad Bobleanta

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  • Mcub3d

    while i enjoy your burn-on-apple, and agree with almost everything you have said, it really was a disgusting piece of writing. im pretty sure i dislike apple just as much as you do… but to voice it in such a tasteless fashion really only says one thing about you as the author and this website.

    it was not cleaver, it was not amusing and oh did i mention you.are.not.funny? but i can tell you what you are: you are a little emo girl whos about to have a period. while i agree trolls are everywhere, i was not expecting one to pop up on this website where i come to get some decent tech news and review.

    sadly i came to your piece… so here is to you: i shall now click unsubscribe in my rss feed and i wish you take care and look in the mirror tonight: there you will hate yourself too.

  • View4free2002

    I wonder what will happen if everyone returns the iPhone 4s? Hummmmmm But reality is that die hard iPhone fans will not do it.

  • Justin

    Yeah, this was TERRIBLY written. Lost my attention after 30 seconds.

  • Nora

    Dear author, don't pay any attention to those ignorants who never really understood what you were trying to say. I think your text is almost flawless (well, not as flawless as Apple, or Steve Jobs for that matter, of course, but you are close to their level of “awesomeness”) Anyway, I don't mean to be rude, but dear Mr Justin and Me Mcub3d, could you please shut the fuck up and close this page if you really hate it that much? Thanks.