Top 10 things I hate about iPhone

Confession: I do not hate iPhone. I may love it, in fact. iPhone is my primary personal computing and communications device. I use it everywhere, all the time, and for an increasing – seemingly limitless – number of functions, tasks, activities, chores and stolen moments of leisure.

But, I made a promise. In the interest of fairness, I agreed that as a follow-up to last week’s op-ed, “Top 10 things I hate about Android”, I would create a similar list for iPhone.

This is going to be hard. I don’t simply love iPhone – and use it constantly – I remember the days before iPhone. Back when Android was a pale imitation of Blackberry, rather than a pale imitation of iPhone. I remember thick, clunky Palms, and brick-like Nokias, and the days before a million apps and an amazing full-touchscreen display.

iPhone rescued me, and rescued the world, from what we did not know were the dinosaurs of mobile computing; a dank, dark and exceedingly harsh world until Apple, like some giant ball of fire from the heavens destroyed the planet’s ancient life and made the world better, brighter, made it so fast-moving, highly communicative, exceedingly intelligent new species could thrive.

iPhone changed the world, changed how the world functions – for the better, in my view. I’m not sure I could ever hate the iPhone then.

Of course, rather than limiting myself to iPhone, I could include all of Apple. Spend but a day on the Internet and you realize that Apple generates a radically disproportionate amount of hate. Those who hate Apple the most, the loudest, always strike me as, well, slightly deranged – sufferers of Apple Derangement Syndrome. Perhaps I have judged them too harshly. Perhaps they have a valid argument. I will give it a try. Here, then, my top 10 reasons for hating Apple.

1. Steve Jobs

I never met Steve Jobs. I do not know anyone who ever met Steve Jobs. But I do read the Internet and the Internet says Steve Jobs was a total dick. Sure, he helped launch the personal computing revolution, the online music revolution, rescued Pixar, turned a dying American company into the world’s most successful, launched the tablet revolution, launched the smartphone revolution, launched the app revolution, was a shockingly prescient visionary who left the world at a young age but not before telling us all that life should be treasured and each of us should embrace that which makes us special. Don’t care. Internet says Jobs was a dick.

That’s one!

2. Porn

Apple refuses to sell porn in its store. Who do they think they are? Sure, I can get porn from a near-infinite number of sites and applications outside of Apple. That’s not enough. I demand Apple sell porn.

3. iAd

Tell me that iAd does not suck. Liar!

4. Hippies

Ever drive through Northern California and spot some aged hippie driving a Volvo and she has a rainbow Apple logo sticker on the rear window? I hate hippies – and old Northern California hippies are the worst. And I don’t have to tell you what that rainbow Apple logo really stands for.

5. iTunes

In my day we downloaded our music for free. Sure, download sites weren’t reliable, many songs contained viruses and malware, the artists were being ripped-off. That’s not my concern. Free is always better than 99 cents. Starving artists? Go sell some tee shirts!

6. Non-conformity

Is there anything more hate-inducing about Apple than their non-conformity? I want Mac OS to be licensed. They refuse. I want porn in their stores. They refuse. I want a netbook – like everybody – but Apple refuses. I want an iPhone with a physical keyboard. Apple refuses. I want a red iPhone. Apple refuses. I want Flash, dammit! Apple refuses to listen. What? Do they think they’re better than all of us?

7. Removable battery

I love my iPhone. It is beautiful and sturdy and powerful and almost unbelievably light. I use it everyday, all the time, and have for years. Never once have I ever needed to pry apart the backplate and replace the battery. Never once have I wished that the beautifully designed iPhone be lessened by altering the construction to accommodate a removable battery. Doesn’t matter. I paid for this iPhone. Sure, I could have chosen from hundreds of other smartphones but I wanted iPhone. Now that it’s mine I have the right to pry off that back and swap out the battery!

8. Widgets

This needs no explanation.

9. Tim Cook, Sir Jony Ive, Phil Schiller

Guaranteed, all three of these guys are assholes.

10. Apple is closed

I use Google search and Google Now to share stuff on Google Plus that I found on an app I bought on Google Play using Google Wallet that I learned about from a Google ad inside Google Maps that looks really cool on Google Earth while using Google Wi-Fi on my Google Android phone that was made by Google Motorola that a salesman at Verizon encouraged me to buy because Google is giving him a commission even though it records and sells my personal data to unknown entities because Google lobbying has kept privacy rules limited. But Google is open. Apple is closed. I hate that.

That wasn’t so hard after all. Turns out, it’s easy to hate.

Author: Brian S Hall

Brian S Hall writes about technology, immortality and food for ReadWrite, Techpinions, Unwired View and other publications. His thoughts on the 'smartphone wars' and how these are rapidly de-constructing markets, industries, business models and relationships around the world can be found on his personal site at www.brianshall.com.

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  • http://AndroidAuthority.com/ Bogdan Petrovan

    Where are your definite articles?

  • Zombie

    How to ruin a famous technology news website – lesson 1: be a stupid, biased fanboy.

  • DrPhone

    I could add the lack of 3G-324M Circuit-Switched Video Calls support on iPhone. Older Symbian & Windows phones did support it and that is still a pretty important feature for the European, Australian & Asian markets. Currently only the latest Samsung Galaxy devices support it from the Android range. That’s a shame!

  • http://www.brianshall.com/ Brian S Hall

    Is it really? That’s just not something I hear at all from users in America.

  • DrPhone

    Well, I live in Europe! So it’s a pretty convenient feature and a big portion of the people here are accustomed to it. According to my friends in the USA, most of the US carriers there don’t support that, so it’s not a big surprise that there are no complaints from American users.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MaryJCHopkins Mary Hopkins

    This was disappointing. You could at least change the title of the article to “Top 10 things I hate about Apple”

  • http://www.facebook.com/dougal.watt.7 Dougal Watt

    very funny!

  • surethom

    The only thing I agree with is Widgets, Apple there is no Excuse, just to be able to switch wifi/bluetooth off from home screen without going into settings. Please

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Atty-Halmágyi/100001770630008 Atty Halmágyi

    Man, you are talking as if this post can be seem by only a few person. Please do not write Steve was a dick, and sucks and such of things here.

  • http://twitter.com/zabihjan Zubair

    why dont you close this web site? ppl writing articles from all these technology sites including the mighty slashgear and engadget, they must all have failed their high schools and never graduated from any college or uni. the title of this article has only 10% resembelance to the actual text.

  • vasra

    Not a very original parody.

  • http://www.brianshall.com/ Brian S Hall

    No? I thought my #10 was rather inspired.

  • not a hater — hating

    I hope your controversy pledge works out because as far as I can see there is no journalism here and if you just want to espouse your views then shoot away. I’m outta here.

  • hellboy

    11. Apple fanboys are self-righteous and hard to be reasoned with….

  • http://www.facebook.com/thisisnotmyemailaddressatall Gerald Dichiara Jr

    I thought that You were supposed to tell Everyone what You ate about the “IPHONE” and Nothing else. What does Steve Jobs being a Dick have to do with what You Hate about the iPhone? That’s just like Me telling Everyone that My Younger Sister is a Liar, Drunk, and Drug Addict is Why I Hate “Name the Phone and or OS Here”.

    You Need to re-do this article and Really Put Effort into it. Because You are In Love with the iPhone is most likelythe reason as to why Your Article for 10 Things That You Hate About iPhone, was severely Biased.

    There are most likely A LOT MORE than 10 Things and or Reasons to HATE Any Phone or OS. Including iPhone.

  • JDL

    I live in Europe as well and it’s a none issue. As you demonstrate by the fact that hardly anyone supports it anymore.

  • micky

    unlike google fanbois who are just delusional arse wipes

  • mickey

    There is no sane reason to have 5 reasons, let alone 10 reasons to hate a phone. Anyone who has 10 reasons to hate a phone is delusional or an Android fanboy.

  • Sholih Rmd

    I never met you. I do not know anyone who ever met you. But judging by this post, you’re a total dick.

  • http://www.brianshall.com/ Brian S Hall

    that was legitimately funny

  • d_n

    Says the person making an ironically self-righteous statement?